LEGEND

I remember back in college we had a professor who everybody would fondly call Dean Nattu. This particular professor had the habit of referring everyone he knew with the title “My friend living legend Mr. …”. I did not have much interaction with said professor but those words of his stuck in my mind.

These are the words that I think about as I sit down to organize my thoughts this morning. After a chaotic 2 years, life has come to a standstill now so I can pause and take a deep breath. Even while I am taking a deep breath, my mind goes racing and asks the question: What next? What do I need to do now? What do I want to do? What? What? What?

The last few months have been so chaotic and turbulent that when it finally came time to pause and think, I am overwhelmed by the silence. There is nothing to do. No fires to put out. No projects to complete.

What do I do?

What do I want to do?

Who I am?

What is my identity?

Its like my life is now at a point where in my minds eye I can see exactly how the next 20 years will play out. I see myself be laid back, relaxed and I go with the flow. That is exactly the opposite to what I have done in the last 10 years. Every step I took, every move I made was to go against the flow and to break the norm. Every step was a challenge and every challenge consumed everything that I had to give at the time.

Why am I so agitated? I should be happy. I am happy. Right?

I think I need counselling.

I don’t need counselling. I am self counselling. That is the purpose of this blog. So lets counsel. Take a step back. Tell yourself about what is going on in your life.

So the Mrs. finally has a job. We are waiting for an offer that should land in the next 2 days. She starts working on March 15th. She worked very hard to prepare for this position. She has worked very hard over the last 2 years to get to this point. She is so happy now and I am happy for her. I am happy as well. Once she starts working, we can now settle down and start thinking about a happy future together.

Things are falling in place. The Kid slept well through the night 3 times in a row. This has never happened before. I am afraid to think more about this just so I don’t jinx it. Could it be that she has finally grown up enough that she does not need us at night? I have waited for this day for so long that but now that it has arrived, it scary to embrace this change.

Are there really no fires to put out? Can we really be happy? Can we finally settle down? Okay. I am going on a spin again. Slow down. Talk some more. We are not talking about problems. We are talking about lack of problems. Happy thoughts please.

Air India folks finally decided to refund my money back to the credit card. I now need to figure out how I can move the money out of my card but that is not a big deal. One more item of box of my long running check list ticket off. One less thing for me to do.

I am a creature of habit but life has been so chaotic lately that seeking chaos has been the mechanism to cope. It is clear that having nothing to do will drive me crazy. For the sake of my 2 girls I need to stay sane so I need to get back to habits and routines. I need a morning routine, a work routine, a kid time routine, a bed time routine, an exercise routine. I need to know what to do when there is nothing to do.

Like right now as I type this. My watch woke me up at 05:00 AM. My first task was to give the kid some milk which I did. Next I boiled some water to drink. Then I thought about getting some exercise but decided against it as the noise I make would wake the kid. So I now have 2 hours before the kid wakes up. What do I do for the next 2 hours?

What do I do for these 2 hours tomorrow? and the day after? and the day after that? Routines please.

I make lists. Its my thing. Here is a list:

Time	Activity
05:00 AM	Wakey Wakey
05:10 AM	Give the kid some milk
05:20 AM	Drink warm water with some lemon and honey
06:00 AM	Streaches, Yoga, Breathing exercises, Meditation
07:00 AM	Check mails, organize the day, catch up on news, potty break, coffee
08:00 AM	Get the kid ready for school and drop her off. Make/Have breakfast
04:00 PM	Get off work.
05:00 PM	Workout and Shower
05:30 PM	Pick up kid from day care/ Catch up on news while kid comes back from day care
07:30 PM	Play with kid. Give her bath.
08:30 PM	Make dinner. Feed kid. Have dinner
09:30 PM	Put kid to bed.
11:00 PM	Read book/ Watch TV/ Chat with Mrs/ Sex/ Get ready for bed.

I went for a list but it ended up as a table. It works though. Gives me a routine that I now need to hold onto and follow to preserve my sanity until I adjust to the new normal.

“My friend living legend”. It’s a weird way to refer to someone. Doesn’t the word legend in itself imply that the person being referred to has passed on? You don’t live a legend, you become a legend based on your life’s work and achievements. Its a goal that you work towards. Right?

I want to be a legend. I want to spend the next 20 years building something meaningful for my two girls but also contribute to my extended family and friends and give back to society. I want to be happy with what I do with my time and energy and resources. Anything that is worth something and is meaningful is built slowly over time. I now need to change my mindset to this new flow of life and calm the fuck down and pace myself.

SUNDAY 144

Time: 06:00
Place: Home

I missed a few Sunday posts in between. Was busy.

Mixed week for me. Everything was fine until yesterday when the Mrs and I had a fight. It was over nothing and nothing came out of it. What bothers me right now is the amount of effort I put in yesterday to avoid the fight but it still happened.

There have been very few weeks in the time that we have been married that we haven’t fought. Both of us have too much pride. All this fighting cannot go on. I thought bringing in  a pet will be a distraction. It hasn’t really worked out that way. In fact it might have done more harm than good.

We have been trying to have  baby for 5 months now. I am afraid to think about how we will be when the baby arrives. The fighting will only increase. We will be miserable.

Two people with very different personalities and very different attitudes cannot be happy together without making a few sacrifices. One has to put aside their pride to do that and neither of us is willing to do that right now.

The time has come to accept the reality of what I have walked into. If the fighting has to stop, then I need to change. I need to accept the reality that I am never going to get what I want from the relationship. So I need to adjust and be happy with what I get. If this relationship has to improve, then I need to start giving more than what I demand in return. Its better that I be miserable and she is happy than the both of the be miserable.

SUNDAY 143

Time: 14:44
Place: Home

Good Monday to me. Why good Monday you ask me? For the following reasons.

As of this week, I have completed 7 years of professional career. I joined my first company on the 9th of June 2011. I have never noticed these anniversaries before. Somehow this year the milestone seems important. I think it’s because I finally feel settled and in a good place. I am happy with the work that I am doing and the pay that I am earning. I know what I need to do to get better. I know where I can get the time from and how I can channel my energies.

The last week was a little crazy with the amount of work the dog added onto us. It seemed to settle down over the weekend. We now more or less know what to expect with the dog. The dog seems to have adjusted to the new environment and seems to be growing well.

The Mrs. and I did not fight over the weekend. The dog provided enough distraction so we didn’t get the time to focus on each other. Given that the fertility week has started for this month, it is important that we stay positive and happy this week.

Overall, I am in a happy place at the moment. I now have to start making this time count.

 

SUNDAY 142

Time: 14:12
Place: Home

Sunday post skipped in between. It has been a crazy last couple of weeks. For the first time ever, I missed out on paying a credit card bill. Made a bad decision to buy a sofa and then fought with the furniture guy for a week to get the money back. Bro announced that he is expecting a baby. The Mrs. got her periods again which means this is the 4th month in which we have been unsuccessful. We got a puppy!!

The paragraph sums up the highs and the lows of the last 2 weeks.  I will try to write a longer post the next Sunday if I get more time.

 

SUNDAY 141

Time: 17:55
Place: New Home

Sunday post after a couple of weeks. This is a very special post.

It has been 4 years since I started these Sunday posts. I haven’t been the most regular but I have kept at it. This is something that I am specially proud of.

I moved to Mera homes last weekend. I have been a nomad these last 14 years. I have finally found a place that I like staying at and where I know I will be spending a lot of time. This feels like home. My quality of life is now starting to improve. All I need to do now is to improve and get better.

There is something that the Mrs. said yesterday that I need to seriously think about. I have made it a habit of disregarding all her opinions. This makes her feel that I think less of her and it affects her confidence. I need to change this behavior as this is affecting our family life.

SUNDAY 140

Time: 16:20
Place: Chejarla

We have come to the in-laws place this weekend. It has been an up and down week.

It started with a bit of disappointment when the Mrs. woke up to a bit of abdomen pain (usually a sign of impending periods) on the 25th. We were disappointed that we were not successful this month also. The period never came on the 25th, nor on the 26th. We did a quick calculation and realized that her periods should normally start on the 27th. So we waited another day. No periods. We did a pee test. It came out negative.

The Mrs has had fairly regular and on time periods so I was very confident a delayed period meant a baby. All our hopes got dashed when the periods finally arrived 2 days late on the 29th.

When she told me the news, it felt like a setback. It shouldn’t be so. What have we lost really? It just means another month of trying. The Mrs is apprehensive that the unsuccessful attempts might mean that there is something wrong with one of us. I tried to reassure her but in some corner of my heart, I feel the same. But truth be said it shouldn’t bother me so much.

If something so little starts bothering us, how will be deal with the bigger things that could happen in the future? I miscarriage would hurt so much more. A baby with problems would be devastating. These are all real future possibilities that we might need to deal with. We have to become more thick skinned, and it has to start with me.

On a happy note, I received the full settlement from Oracle today. I got more than I expected, so its good news. Got the first salary from Pythian too. After a long time on the ropes, our financial situation seems to be settling down. One less thing to worry about.

SUNDAY 139

Time: 15:16
Place: Home

Its been a good week. 5 day gym week culminating with a long run today. I wanted to do a 10K but could only manage 8km. It is very humid in the morning and I think I started a little faster than I usually do, resulting in me getting tired very fast.

It was a frustrating week at work. I still do not have the access to be able to login to customer machines. In the absence of required access, there was nothing for me to do. I had a 1-1 with the boss and she told me to expect the same for a few more months.

I was dealing with several issues on the sidelines this week. I managed to resolve a missing transaction issue with Paytm and got the Payroll clearence from Oracle. I am hoping the full and final settlement from Oracle will arrive by the end of May.

There are a couple of more things that I need to follow up on this week. Pythian promised a 9.5% superannuation in the offer letter but there has not been any word on it after I joined. I sent emails to local and central HR’s and they both don’t have answers. I will need to follow up with them about this. The second thing is with the Visa for visiting Canada. Its been 20 days since I completed the application. I haven’t heard from them since then. I sent them an email today. Let’s see how it goes.

Me and the Mrs will know by the next weekend if she is carrying. If she is, then it will be the start of a new chapter in my life. If she isn’t, it will be dissapointing. Either ways I need to plan a visit to a doctor next month. I am really hoping it is for the right reasons.

Dad’s money hasn’t come as yet. Got news this week that Lakku has landed a job in Bangalore. I asked her to come and stay with me. She might be joining her company sometime in June.

Depending on how much salary I will get this week, I am planning to shift to the next house, sometime next month. Since I am travelling to Ottawa in the first week of June, I need to shift the house before I leave. Otherwise the shifting will get delayed by a month.

 

SUNDAY 138

Time: 15:38
Place: Home

Skipped a sunday in between. I am writing this post on a tuesday.

Started on the new job last week. My first impressions are not good. The company is changing its business model right now and the team that I joined in is undergoing a reorg. The manager who hired me is moving away to a different team. The new manager hasn’t been chosen yet. The manager has been busy with meetings and hasn’t given me time till now.

Most of the clients for this team are based in the US and Canada. The engineers working in that time zone have the most interaction with the clients. Engineers in my time zone generally handle the tickets and work on any CR’s.  The company is now splitting work and is assigning build and implementation tasks to a project team. My team, which is a reliability team, will handle tickets and a few leftover maintenance activities.

From what I understand, the work seems to be challenging process wise and not technically. I think it will take me a couple of months to get the complete picture.

The in-laws were here till last week. I am alone at home starting this week. I need to get used to working from home. I need to push myself to be as productive as possible.  My working hours will be from 10:30 to 4:30.  I will have atleast 3 to 4 hours of personal time every day which I can invest on self improvement. I started a Python course in coursera last week. I need to focus on that and learn as much as I can.

The wife and I are trying for a baby again this week. We should know the result by 27th of April.

SUNDAY 137

Time: 16:36
Place: Home

Skipped a Sunday post in between. We had traveled to Hyderabad last month. It was a good trip.

3 day gym week. Mother in law arrived so couldn’t go to the gym for 2 days. The coming week has to be a 6 day gym week.

The coming week is also going to be my last at Oracle.  I told the guys in the office that I am leaving Oracle. I need to sit down and draft a good email to send to the folks.

Large sunday posts starting next week.

SUNDAY 136

Time: 09:03
Place: Parlapally

Sunday post on a Tuesday.

I traveled to hyd on the weekend. I was visiting home after a gap of 6 months so I wanted to spend some time here. I will be returning to Bangalore tomorrow. Grandad was ill for 3 months. I had wanted to visit at the time but could not. It felt good to visit and spend some time with them.