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A letter to Sridhar – 2018

one-year

To,

Sridhar Reddy
Aged 29 years 9 Months

Hey pal. It’s me. You from an year back. How is it going? How is the Mrs doing?

I can image it has been a tough year for you. Most of the fun and games stop with me. You are the making of a quintessential middle class head of the family. Your life is not flashy or pleasant or happening but is something that must be suffered through to effectively raise a family.

I know I am doing no favors to you by heaping the loan to be settled for the South Africa trip on your head. I failed to get a better job when I had the opportunities. Its Nov 15th now and there has been no announcement of a hike so you will be managing with the same salary for the entire year. I am truly sorry for this.

What challenges have you faced during the year? For some time now, I have felt the need to start a family. Right now I feel there are 2 conditions that must be met for me to start on that path. One: I should be saving at least 40K per month (I first wrote down 50K per month but then did some quick calculations and realized that I will never be able to save 50K per month).  Two: Swathi should have moved onto a new job.

I do not set the bar very high when it comes to my behavior when dealing with situations that I am not comfortable being in. When shit happens, I do not deal with it well. I realized in the South Africa trip that I have a pretty big ego. When my friends told me that I was behaving overly responsibly, it meant that I was not masking my feelings well enough. This is one aspect of my personality that I have to improve on, specially as I age and take up more responsibility onto my shoulders.

I have also realized that I am not very good at following up on things. I plan to do stuff but don’t see it through. Take this post for example. I was supposed to write it in September. I started it on the 15th of Nov then left it off for another 3 weeks. This is something that I really need to change in life. When I get to be you, I do not want to be the person that I am now.

How do I go about changing myself. I sorely lack the focus. I lack the patience and endurance that I have tattooed on my shoulder. I think it is difficult to focus when life is complicated. I need to start making my life simpler. When I get to be you, if nothing else, I would want to be a more focused man.  I know when I can focus, I can be successful.

 

 

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Stuck

I am coming back to writing in this journal after 4 months. I did feel the need to write more often during this time, but did not want it enough to actually invest the time.

This Journal has been my solace during difficult times. It kept me going when I had little control over other aspects of my life. It helped me deal with loss, disappointment and depression. And now I am back. Why?

I have been married for 8 months now. Life was progressing at a decent pace till recently but has come to a grinding halt now. I need change in life. I cannot bear being the same or doing the same things day in and day out.

I have these plans that I make up in my mind. I have a need to implement those plans. When factors external to me stop me from doing what I want to do, I feel helpless and unhappy. I am in such a state right now.

I don’t feel settled where I am right now. I do not like the home that I stay in. I having been planning to move out from a while now. But move where? I wanted to move to Hyderabad. My “grand” plan was that the Mrs. would get a job in Hyderabad and then I would take a transfer from Oracle and then we would move to Hyderabad and live happily for ever.

That didn’t happen. Its been 4 months and the Mrs. hasn’t received a single call. I have pushed her till the point where it affected our relationship. She says she is trying. I don’t see any results so I don’t know if she is trying enough. But there is no way for me to know. I can only rely on what she tells me. And what she tells me is that either there or no jobs for her experience or she doesn’t have the time to prepare for interviews.

At one point I decided to stop pushing her and instead focus on myself. I wanted to change my own job and then look at what we could do about hers. For 4 weeks I worked hard to prepare for interviews and I applied to all the good companies. I am yet to receive a single call.

I can’t change my job and she can’t change her job so we are stuck where we are. Its not just the location that is the problem. We need more money. We need the raise in salary that a job change will bring us. We have too many loans right now and no savings. I want to live a better lifestyle but I need more disposable money to do that.

I have dealt with much worse before. The real challenge is with my work. I don’t have good work left to do in Oracle. I am not interested in the work that is going to come. I have been pretty much idle these last 2 months. The idle time is affecting my thinking and making things even worse.

I think the symptoms of my ailment match mid life crisis. Mid life crisis at 28?  That is too bad.

So what can I do to deal with this phase of my life?

I think the first thing I should focus on is my life. I feel good about myself when I am fit. I am not fit right now. I have averaged one day in the gym for the last few months. I need to do better than that.

What else can I do better?

Buenos Aye 1

I will be flying to Buenos Aires (Hopefully) next week on what will be my first work visit out of station. The fact that my first work visit out of station is in fact an international trip puts me in a spot of bother but that can be dealt with. Why spot of bother you ask?

  1. Because I have never been on a consulting visit and don’t know what to expect.
  2. The fact that its an international visit to a place where the locals speak an unfamiliar language.
  3. Because I have never been away from home for an extended period for work before.

I mentioned that I am hoping to travel next week. The flight tickets have been booked and I will receive my passport tomorrow and the people receiving me are looking forward to it. The only problem has been my health. I have had a bout of viral fever that is refusing to go away and leave me in peace. Its been 3 weeks now and I haven’t recovered properly till now. As of this moment, I am in no condition to suffer through a long haul. Neither am I in any shape to perform 100% at work. I have 4 days left to recover. Hopefully I will.

 

SUNDAY 115

Time: 12:39
Place:Home

So it seems that I have finally recovered from the bout of viral fever. After 7 days of continuous fever, I didn’t have any yesterday evening. Lets hope its the same today also.

I booked tickets for the Argentina trip. I will start on the 12th of Apr and will return on the 10th of May. Oracle is giving me allowance of 10K to buy clothing that I might need for the travel. I have bought a leather jacket online. I have another 4K to spend.

SUNDAY 111

Time: 22:40
Place: Home

Late sunday post this one. My laptop got locked out so I am writing this post on the Mrs. laptop.

Challenging week. The pain has reduced gradually over the week. I can now walk around without any discomfort. Planning to start going to the gym from tomorrow.

We have decided to buy a scooter. I will wait until the next weekend and buy the bike using my credit card after this months bill is generated. This will give me about 2 months to pay the bill. I asked the Mrs to pay the bill using installments.

Will have a lot of travelling to do over the next couple of weeks. Mr. Puri’s marriage is on Thursday in Kurnool. Next week is the Mrs’s cousins marriage. 

I haven’t yet spoken to Mr. Ch regarding the leave that I will need. Not sure how I will manage.

No fights with the Mrs this week though I did make her cry today. No fault of mine!! I hope we are getting better at this marriage thing

Mr. B, Mr. UB, Mr. AB, Mr. M and Mr. P

We live in difficult times, we see turbulence all around and our lives go up and down all the time. Is it because the world around us has got ever so faster at change or is it because of the phase of life I am in that it feels that way? Probably a combination of both.

I have been trying to write something like this for the last 1 year. I started a couple of times and then abandoned it for various reasons. This time, I am determined to go through with it. Today I want to write about 5 men. Three of them are very good friends of mine. One is a self centered attention seeking bitch and the last is a troubled guy who has been included here just for that reason.

Mr. B

The first time I heard about Mr. B was around 10 years ago. I was in Gowtham at the time and he was one of the toppers in the class. He looked like a small boy then. He had great skills at Maths and Physics and he built a reputation around it. I never interacted with him at the time. In fact, we were mere acquaintances for most of these past 10 years. It was only after I came to Bangalore in June 2014 that I got to know him personally.

He is brilliant at work and has good social skills. He is a romantic deep down and has a way with woman. He is bad at organizing things and his stuff is generally a pile of mess. He is a caring and considerate guy and a good friend.

2015 has been a roller-coaster ride for Mr. B. The highlights are the 3 international trips that he made during the year. He has a passion for travel and has visited Malaysia, Cambodia and Spain this year. It all seemed to be going well for him when he found a girl that he thought he could marry and settle down with. They were to be engaged on the 17th of Dec.. on my birthday.

Turns out, the woman is a spoiled brat who is used to having her way and has very little consideration for others. She gave Mr. B a sneak preview of sorts of how it would me like if he married her. He got shit scared and wanted get out of it.

Shit happens. Many a times it happens because of our own doing. Sometimes, bad stuff happens to us even if we are not at fault, and have taken every precaution to prevent such a event. I put myself in Mr. B’s shoes and think about what I would have done differently. He got clues along the way about the woman’s behavior but he never took them seriously. Nobody is perfect right..

He wanted to marry a woman who he could understand and get along with, not someone who his parents showed to him. I would want to do the same. The trouble with that is there is no way you can figure out a person by speaking to them for a few hours or even a few days. It takes time, as it did in Mr. B’s case. Luckily for him, he realized what he was getting into before his marriage.

So did he break it off? No he didn’t. He reasoned.. better a known devil than an unknown angel. He got support from his Mother in law and he decided to go ahead with the marriage. Let’s see how it goes.

Mr. M

Mr. M and I met in 2007 and we became good friends in 2008. We, along with Mr. PRS would always be on the same wavelength those days and we have had some great conversations over the past few years. The Goa trip that Mr. M, Mr. PRS and I did in 2012 was one of the most memorable trips of my life. I have missed him since he has moved to the U.S

Mr. M and I have had our differences on how we handled our lives. He did not like it that I would always be organized and that I liked to follow a routine. He believed that routine brought stagnation to one’s life. I did not like the way he treated women when we were in college. Both of us have followed our paths and have struggled in life.

2015 has been a difficult year for Mr.M. The fact that his girlfriend managed to get into a college but he only got an admit to a shitty college put a lot of stress on him. He struggled to handle the rejects that he got from all the other universities. He did not want to go to that university, but he did not want to stay back either. In the end he did get onto U.S soil and has been spending his time there, even though he does not like it.

The one good thing in Mr. M life is that he has a settled, mature relationship going on with a nice woman for the last 3 years. I don’t know if they will end of staying together but I hope they do.

Mr. UB

I have known Mr UB for 8 years now. He was my backie in my third year. Another brilliant but messy guy.

*********** Left Incomplete ******************