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Stuck

I am coming back to writing in this journal after 4 months. I did feel the need to write more often during this time, but did not want it enough to actually invest the time.

This Journal has been my solace during difficult times. It kept me going when I had little control over other aspects of my life. It helped me deal with loss, disappointment and depression. And now I am back. Why?

I have been married for 8 months now. Life was progressing at a decent pace till recently but has come to a grinding halt now. I need change in life. I cannot bear being the same or doing the same things day in and day out.

I have these plans that I make up in my mind. I have a need to implement those plans. When factors external to me stop me from doing what I want to do, I feel helpless and unhappy. I am in such a state right now.

I don’t feel settled where I am right now. I do not like the home that I stay in. I having been planning to move out from a while now. But move where? I wanted to move to Hyderabad. My “grand” plan was that the Mrs. would get a job in Hyderabad and then I would take a transfer from Oracle and then we would move to Hyderabad and live happily for ever.

That didn’t happen. Its been 4 months and the Mrs. hasn’t received a single call. I have pushed her till the point where it affected our relationship. She says she is trying. I don’t see any results so I don’t know if she is trying enough. But there is no way for me to know. I can only rely on what she tells me. And what she tells me is that either there or no jobs for her experience or she doesn’t have the time to prepare for interviews.

At one point I decided to stop pushing her and instead focus on myself. I wanted to change my own job and then look at what we could do about hers. For 4 weeks I worked hard to prepare for interviews and I applied to all the good companies. I am yet to receive a single call.

I can’t change my job and she can’t change her job so we are stuck where we are. Its not just the location that is the problem. We need more money. We need the raise in salary that a job change will bring us. We have too many loans right now and no savings. I want to live a better lifestyle but I need more disposable money to do that.

I have dealt with much worse before. The real challenge is with my work. I don’t have good work left to do in Oracle. I am not interested in the work that is going to come. I have been pretty much idle these last 2 months. The idle time is affecting my thinking and making things even worse.

I think the symptoms of my ailment match mid life crisis. Mid life crisis at 28?  That is too bad.

So what can I do to deal with this phase of my life?

I think the first thing I should focus on is my life. I feel good about myself when I am fit. I am not fit right now. I have averaged one day in the gym for the last few months. I need to do better than that.

What else can I do better?

Buenos Aye 1

I will be flying to Buenos Aires (Hopefully) next week on what will be my first work visit out of station. The fact that my first work visit out of station is in fact an international trip puts me in a spot of bother but that can be dealt with. Why spot of bother you ask?

  1. Because I have never been on a consulting visit and don’t know what to expect.
  2. The fact that its an international visit to a place where the locals speak an unfamiliar language.
  3. Because I have never been away from home for an extended period for work before.

I mentioned that I am hoping to travel next week. The flight tickets have been booked and I will receive my passport tomorrow and the people receiving me are looking forward to it. The only problem has been my health. I have had a bout of viral fever that is refusing to go away and leave me in peace. Its been 3 weeks now and I haven’t recovered properly till now. As of this moment, I am in no condition to suffer through a long haul. Neither am I in any shape to perform 100% at work. I have 4 days left to recover. Hopefully I will.

 

SUNDAY 115

Time: 12:39
Place:Home

So it seems that I have finally recovered from the bout of viral fever. After 7 days of continuous fever, I didn’t have any yesterday evening. Lets hope its the same today also.

I booked tickets for the Argentina trip. I will start on the 12th of Apr and will return on the 10th of May. Oracle is giving me allowance of 10K to buy clothing that I might need for the travel. I have bought a leather jacket online. I have another 4K to spend.

SUNDAY 111

Time: 22:40
Place: Home

Late sunday post this one. My laptop got locked out so I am writing this post on the Mrs. laptop.

Challenging week. The pain has reduced gradually over the week. I can now walk around without any discomfort. Planning to start going to the gym from tomorrow.

We have decided to buy a scooter. I will wait until the next weekend and buy the bike using my credit card after this months bill is generated. This will give me about 2 months to pay the bill. I asked the Mrs to pay the bill using installments.

Will have a lot of travelling to do over the next couple of weeks. Mr. Puri’s marriage is on Thursday in Kurnool. Next week is the Mrs’s cousins marriage. 

I haven’t yet spoken to Mr. Ch regarding the leave that I will need. Not sure how I will manage.

No fights with the Mrs this week though I did make her cry today. No fault of mine!! I hope we are getting better at this marriage thing