Month: June 2012

Collage of Chavadi – III Experiences (June 2012 – September 2012)

Java-o-mania  ;  owner-o-lunia  ;  location shift  ;  pressures!  ;  srinivas banglored  ;  oracle-rejected  ;  car booked  ;  no takamine!!  ;  car-delivered  ;  ReDS-rejected  ;  car-scratched  ;  Enter: Jayendra  ;  tight@money  ;  aig_or_Belgium?  ;  all-rejected  ;  marella has diplopia  ;  fit-peak@65!!  ;  new_capo  ;  intermediate practice @guitar  ;  bad dark knight rises  ;  batra initiative  ;  7373  ;  marathon determination  ;  veg-biriyani!!  ;  still stuck  ;  train for marathon  ;  save money @ self-cook  .



Unhappy times for this blogger. Anger and frustration, common ailments of any software engineer, which had so far stayed away from me have finally decided to pay me a visit. I am well and truly stuck in life.

Let’s list out the sources of my misery and see if there is anything I can do about them:

1. The damned default rating has cost me an increment of 30k and the rating of 2 that the bastard game me means I won’t receive any increment in November either.

2. Lack of projects in current company. Being idle is driving me nuts!

3. Lack of opportunities outside. Improve the economy already!!

4. Very tight wallet.

The first 2 factors shouldn’t really bother me as I am looking to move on anyway. But the lack of opportunities outside is really compounding the frustration. It’s like being in between a rock and a hard place. I’m not getting opportunities in the company or outside and I can’t sit back and relax as that would hurt my long term prospects.

I have spent 12k on java coaching and also have put in a significant amount of effort. Now if I don’t get any opportunities outside, I will slowly start losing the level of preparedness or momentum and confidence that I have gathered up until now. When things are not going your way, there are only 2 things you can do. One: be patient and wait for your chance, Two: be aggressive and pursue things relentlessly. Being patient will not get me out of this situation so I need to start getting very aggressive.

What about the wallet problem. I think that problem is here to stay and I just have to slowly get used to working on a tight budget. Its going to be very tight the next few months so I just have to tighten my belt and hang on.

Great people are those who have the will power to pull themselves out of tight situations. I need to inspire myself and push harder.

A message from my hormones?

I’ve had this fantasy lately. It’s got nothing to do with sex. It just involves me, a women and a baby. We’re just sitting there chilling and playing together. It’s sweet, it’s innocent and it’s driving me crazy.

This stupid image pops up into my head every time I close my eyes and I’m not thinking about anything in particular. It’s so serene and calm that I want the images to on. It’s a day dream that is addicting in the way that I have to drag my conscience from the day dream to reality and the task at hand. And even when I do drag myself back, my mind fights my control and tries to go back to that state. Its what I think about when I go to sleep and what I wake up thinking about.

An year back, I would go to sleep horny and wake up horny. That was something that had been there for a while and something that I’ve come to accept and act upon. What happened in this 1 year. Does this happen to every guy who goes from 23 to 24?  I’m trying to figure out what is happening here. And writing helps me figure things out.

Some time back, my heart desired the act of sex. Now my heart desires the product of sex. That doesn’t mean I’m not horny. I am. But the intensity has reduced. Priorities are changing from sex to procreation. And the latter is even more frustrating. For the very first time, I am going to immortalize the truth by putting it up in writing. I have been lonely for about 8 years now. Here I want to divert from the traditional meaning of “lonely” and give my own meaning: you’re lonely when you don’t get what you want. I can categorize the  last 7 years of my life in 3 distinct phases for the topic under discussion.

Phase 1 : 17-21

At 17, it was just the desire for sex. Our hormones are programmed in a way that when you are 17, you don’t consciously seek female company or attention. Not the way you do when you turn 21. At 17, its all sex. If I go into Darwinian thinking, I can’t think of any particular advantage for our hormones acting this way in that phase of you life. This phase of life is the easiest to deal with. When you are horny and alone, you jerk off to satisfy yourself. And then you are happy. Done deal. Not at 21.

Phase 2 : 21-23

When you turn 21, you start craving female company. Not just for sex. In your fantasies you want the woman to cuddle after sex. That’s probably the best way to sum up the feelings in this phase. Jerking off is not enough anymore. You are still as horny as when you are 17, maybe even more. You just want more than sex. This is where loneliness in its actual meaning starts. You feel jealous when a friend of yours is going out with a girl. You are not jealous that he is getting some. He probably isn’t getting any. You are just jealous that he has female company. Romantic movies and books start to depress you. You subconscious is starting to realize that it’s nowhere close to getting what it wants.

Phase 3: 23 – I don’t know till when.

In this phase you start seeking 1+1 bonanzas. Now you want a woman and a baby. This just increases your misery. When you are 17, you subconsciously want a release to your sperm bank. It doesn’t bother you when you don’t get any. When you are 21, loneliness and depression come into the picture. But this is not so bad as you know that there can always be a chance where you might find a girl and hit it off with her. At 24, you are Lonely and depressed and frustrated. Frustrated because even subconsciously, you know that you are nowhere close to handling the responsibility of a baby. That ship will sail in another 3 years. Not now. No chance.

Sometimes I hate the society that I live in. You don’t get sex when you want it, you don’t get company when you want it , and you don’t get the bonanzas when you want them. What if by the time you get them, it’s too late? What if, by the time you are 27, spending time with your family is not the thing that you want the most. What if you become indifferent by then. You can only enjoy something that you get when you want it. I would have loved a toy airplane at 10. If someone gave me a plane now, I’d  probably throw it away.  Will I be as passionate a husband and father at 27 as I think I can be now?

I think we need to invent a drug that can delay our sexual hormone cycle by about 3 years. Then you’d want sex at 20 when you have a chance of getting it, you’d want a girlfriend at 25 when its easier to meet women socially and you’d want to be a family man at 28 which would be the perfect time for it.

I’m an agnostic. But if I had faith, I’d probably say “God help me”.