SUNDAY 116

Time: 10:04
Place: Home

I’m back. 4 months after my last Sunday post. 9 Months into my marriage. I am back to regularly writing the Sunday posts. Hopefully.

Continuing the theme of being stuck from the last post. I have had some time to reflect on my situation. It has been almost 2 months since I posted my resume to companies. I managed 2 referrals, one of which went to interviews. There has been no progress whatsoever.

There is only so much I can do. There is no point in being hard on myself and feeling down.  I need to accept my situation and adapt to the framework. It does not however mean that I abandon all ambitions. I need to be prepared for any opportunities that come my way as well.

So what’s my situation?

It’s been tough financially. Me and the Mrs have just 40K balance in the account. The Mrs. has completed paying off her marriage loans this month but will need to start paying her Education loan starting next month. At this rate it seems like I would end the year with net savings of 1L. I can’t even use that to pay advance for my next place if I move.

About moving: There would be no moving. I have been grumbling about having to stay so far away and having to spend so much time travelling to the office. I need to get used to the fact that I will be staying in the same place the rest of this year at least. No furniture as well. Living with minimal comforts doesn’t really bother me. I have lived this way for a long time.

Work: OCM work will start eventually. I will need to put in a lot of effort to scale up. That will affect the amount of time that I have for self skill development and to stay fresh for interviews.

So:
1. Budget is tight.
2. I stay in the same shitty place.
3. I struggle at work.

Looking at the bright side:
1. I will still end up with 10L in total career savings by end of this year. Most of them are immovable assets but they still count.
2. Its not so bad. Its quiet and breezy and not smelly.
3. I got an outstanding rating so I should get a promotion and a raise. Also Oracle is doing good relatively so its not a bad place to be at right now.

So the framework. How do I best utilize my time to continue a good career, and to stay happy?

The chat that I had with Chaman had some benefits. I am off the hook for this month at least. I can put off travelling to OTP for the rest of this month. I can continue travelling to PTP. I have a good opportunity to sit with the Apps folks and to learn from them. It will definitely do good to my career. I have reached saturation with regards to database certifications anyway. Adding Apps certifications will go a long way in improving my career and employability.

So I have a 3 pronged strategy: I spend time on OCM, Interviews and Apps. With regards to interviews, I think its best I do test cases every day. Working on test cases will give me real experience. 3 hours on each should keep me busy this month. It will not be easy however. Maintaining focus on 3 different things at the same time is very challenging. I have never done it in my life. I will get mentally fatigued and frustrated. I will once again use this journal as a medium to vent my frustration and to track and motivate myself.

Jai ho!

Stuck

I am coming back to writing in this journal after 4 months. I did feel the need to write more often during this time, but did not want it enough to actually invest the time.

This Journal has been my solace during difficult times. It kept me going when I had little control over other aspects of my life. It helped me deal with loss, disappointment and depression. And now I am back. Why?

I have been married for 8 months now. Life was progressing at a decent pace till recently but has come to a grinding halt now. I need change in life. I cannot bear being the same or doing the same things day in and day out.

I have these plans that I make up in my mind. I have a need to implement those plans. When factors external to me stop me from doing what I want to do, I feel helpless and unhappy. I am in such a state right now.

I don’t feel settled where I am right now. I do not like the home that I stay in. I having been planning to move out from a while now. But move where? I wanted to move to Hyderabad. My “grand” plan was that the Mrs. would get a job in Hyderabad and then I would take a transfer from Oracle and then we would move to Hyderabad and live happily for ever.

That didn’t happen. Its been 4 months and the Mrs. hasn’t received a single call. I have pushed her till the point where it affected our relationship. She says she is trying. I don’t see any results so I don’t know if she is trying enough. But there is no way for me to know. I can only rely on what she tells me. And what she tells me is that either there or no jobs for her experience or she doesn’t have the time to prepare for interviews.

At one point I decided to stop pushing her and instead focus on myself. I wanted to change my own job and then look at what we could do about hers. For 4 weeks I worked hard to prepare for interviews and I applied to all the good companies. I am yet to receive a single call.

I can’t change my job and she can’t change her job so we are stuck where we are. Its not just the location that is the problem. We need more money. We need the raise in salary that a job change will bring us. We have too many loans right now and no savings. I want to live a better lifestyle but I need more disposable money to do that.

I have dealt with much worse before. The real challenge is with my work. I don’t have good work left to do in Oracle. I am not interested in the work that is going to come. I have been pretty much idle these last 2 months. The idle time is affecting my thinking and making things even worse.

I think the symptoms of my ailment match mid life crisis. Mid life crisis at 28?  That is too bad.

So what can I do to deal with this phase of my life?

I think the first thing I should focus on is my life. I feel good about myself when I am fit. I am not fit right now. I have averaged one day in the gym for the last few months. I need to do better than that.

What else can I do better?

Buenos Aye 2 Day 0,1

I made it to the shores of Argentina in one piece. The travel was extremely tiring. All sorts or body parts started acting up and aching. I managed to arrive at the hotel without a lot of hassle, thanks to the cab service that Oracle arranged for me.

Ordered room service to have diner and then slept off. Checked emails before going to bed and found out that the next couple of days are holidays because of easter.

Day 1 was bad. Dropped my phone in the morning and the screen cracked. It will cost me a lot to get the screen replaced. Had a heavy breakfast in the morning which did not digest until the evening. Skipped lunch and ended up eating cookies throughout the day. In the evening went to bed with the intention of waking up after couple of hours. Ended up waking up at 12:30 pm. Had to order room service again.

Buenos Aye 1

I will be flying to Buenos Aires (Hopefully) next week on what will be my first work visit out of station. The fact that my first work visit out of station is in fact an international trip puts me in a spot of bother but that can be dealt with. Why spot of bother you ask?

  1. Because I have never been on a consulting visit and don’t know what to expect.
  2. The fact that its an international visit to a place where the locals speak an unfamiliar language.
  3. Because I have never been away from home for an extended period for work before.

I mentioned that I am hoping to travel next week. The flight tickets have been booked and I will receive my passport tomorrow and the people receiving me are looking forward to it. The only problem has been my health. I have had a bout of viral fever that is refusing to go away and leave me in peace. Its been 3 weeks now and I haven’t recovered properly till now. As of this moment, I am in no condition to suffer through a long haul. Neither am I in any shape to perform 100% at work. I have 4 days left to recover. Hopefully I will.

 

SUNDAY 115

Time: 12:39
Place:Home

So it seems that I have finally recovered from the bout of viral fever. After 7 days of continuous fever, I didn’t have any yesterday evening. Lets hope its the same today also.

I booked tickets for the Argentina trip. I will start on the 12th of Apr and will return on the 10th of May. Oracle is giving me allowance of 10K to buy clothing that I might need for the travel. I have bought a leather jacket online. I have another 4K to spend.

SUNDAY 114

Sunday post returns as promised after 4 week hiatus.

Sunday post on Wednesday as I was travelling on Sunday and haven’t been well these days. I cant remember the last time when I was sick for this long. Seems like I have been suffering from Viral fever. The symptoms were confusing in the first couple of weeks as there was no fever. Just mild headache. The fever started 3 days back. I have been on medication for about a week now.

I hope I get better soon as these have been frustrating weeks. I have struggled with food during this period. Normally I am not a great fan of the Mrs.’s cooking but the last few days have been specially difficult. Added to that her complete ignorance on how to care for the sick. I guess it has been difficult for her as well.

I had to attend a visa interview at the Argentinian embassy. It went well and I should have the passport with me sometime next week. That is the one positive thing to happen during this whole month. I would not be looking back at this march with any fondness.

Other bad stuff happened. Sis in law had to get another surgery. It seems the surgery that was done last year was unsuccessful. Bro has been under considerable stress. And he doesn’t talk to me about it so often I don’t know the complete picture. The fact that Bro has had to foot the bill for an expensive surgery means that he is not as financially secure as he would like to be right now. He knows that the problem with Sis in law will last her lifetime so he will need to be ready to make a lot of expense in the coming years. He wants support and understanding in these difficult times.

The least I can do is to help him financially. I have decided that when dad’s money comes, I will limit my claim to 5L. I sat and did some calculation the other day. With 5L from dad, I should be able to pay off all my loans by the end of this year. I am not happy about it but what can I do. When shit happens, you suck it up and deal with it. At least I don’t have to explain my financial situation to the Mrs. A little hard work over the next year and I should have 10L pooled in by the end of the year. With 10L in my hands, I can start thinking of buying a flat in 2019.

With me being sick the whole of the last week, I haven’t made a lot of progress on my mental state. Need to work more this week and the next.

March-y blues

2 years.

That is how long I religiously cataloged my life in this forum. Called them the Sunday posts I did.

3 Months.

Of marriage is all it took for me to stop writing.

Now to blame the Mrs for my tardiness is not fair. Its not like she has been hogging all my time. Since I have no work to do in the office, I am pretty much free these days. What ends up happening is that since I am very busy on Saturdays either working or doing chores or something else, Sunday is the only day that I have to give to the Mrs. The Mrs does not like it when I do not give her attention on Sunday.

All that still does not explain my tardiness. I could still write the posts on Mondays or Tuesdays. In the past I would look forward to the Sunday to write my post. These days I can go the entire week without thinking about it and not even realize that I missed it. I think the Sunday posts have lost their relevance in my life.

What drove me to take up that exercise in the past and why is it not relevant now?

I think the Sunday posts were a way for me to deal with my problems and anxieties. Those were difficult days. It was important for me mentally to know that I was moving forward in life. One way to do that would be to write a journal every week and detail in it what I did for the week and what I planned to do for the coming weeks. It made me feel organized and feel good.

Post marriage life has been better for me. Most of those anxieties and pressures gone. They have been replaced by other things but I am able to handle them. So now I don’t feel the need of a journal.

I also think that I have got too caught up in life nowadays so my attention span has reduced. Writing needs focus and I haven’t been able to do that. Even this post has been difficult to write. I get distracted every 5 mins. I took a 4 hour break after the first couple of lines. The Mrs keeps telling me about this. I may even be facing the effects of having such a hectic life. I have had a constant dull headache for the past couple of weeks. Research in google points towards stress as the leading cause of such a condition.

The real reason the Sunday posts lost their meaning in my life is because the underlying objective has been achieved. I wrote the journal as a way to help deal with the loneliness that I felt before marriage. Now that I am no longer lonely, I don’t need the journal.

I need the journal.

I may not be lonely but I have other problems in life. Like the one right now where I am incapable or relaxing for even a short period of time. I need the journal to track the progress I am making while I deal with the problem. And that is how it should go in the future as well. There will always be problems in life so I will need to take the help of the Journal to deal with the problems.

SUNDAY 113

Time: 13:42
Place: Home

A very turbulent week. On Monday Mr. D called me and told me about an onsite requirement on the US west coast and asked me if I am interested in travelling. There was a similar offer that was given to me in October of last year. Hari was sent on L1 visa for that requirement. I informed Deepak that I would need to discuss with the Mrs and that I will get back to him in a day.

I think I made a mistake there. I should have told him that I need time to think about it. By telling him that I would let him know in a day, I ended up putting a lot of pressure on myself. I also did not factor in the fact that the Mrs can be very indecisive at times. I tried to speak to her in the evening but half her mind was occupied by her impending trip to Nellore. I spoke to bro and he told me that it would not be possible for the Mrs to get a job in the US.

The Mrs already knew that. She has a friend in the US who has been struggling to find a job for the last one year. She was not very keen on the idea. On the other hand she did not reject the idea. She kept telling me that it is a good opportunity and that I should not let it go.

We looked at the pros and the cons of the offer.

Cons:

  1. The Mrs would not get a job in her domain so she will have to find something different to work on. She was not very keen on that. Staying at home was not very appealing.
  2. If the Mrs quits her job in India, financially we would not do better that what we are doing now.
  3. If I go there alone and she stays back, both of us will have to live alone. It will be difficult for her, more so for me.

Pros:

  1. The project that Mr. D informed me about is in the West Coast. It is an implementation project with Goldengate and EM. It should be a good learning experience.
  2. Per DM of about 85$ per day. Living alone I should be able to save about 1000$ per month. A little hard work and I should be able to save 10L in an year.
  3. The exposure of having worked in the US.

In the end it came down to money. If we needed the money, we would have to spend an year away from each other. It would be difficult but this is the ideal time for us to do something like this. We would not be able to do it at a later point of time in our lives. I knew it would be difficult for me to live all by myself for an year but I ended up agreeing. We decided that I would apply for the visa, go to the US alone and stay there alone for a period of one year. She would visit me for a couple of months in between.

At this point I am not sure if it was the correct decision to make. Is it worth it? How would I survive? How would she survive? I guess we will have to wait and see.

So the Mrs traveled to Nellore on Tuesday evening. We had a mini fight on tuesday which I carried on to wednesday and thursday. There was no work in the office so I ended up staying at home during the weekdays. I asked the Mrs to return early but she told me that she couldn’t. I got pissed off at that and got very mean on the phone.

I thing I need to find a way to control my anger, specially if we are going to spend time away from each other in the future. Regardless of whether or not she does the things that I like, being mean and scolding her would not help. I think it is time I start accepting her for who she is and stop complaining. I cannot ask her to prove her value in our relationship at every point in time. I would need to find the value where I can and be accommodating at other times.

What is the secret to a happy relationship? The Mrs often mentions that it is a shame that I have never been in a relationship before. I am starting to think she might be true.

SUNDAY 112

Time: 14:08
Place: 5A021, OTP

2015 – Malaysia
2016 – U.S
2017 – Argentina

Looks like I will be visiting Argentina this year. The trip is planned for next month and will span one month. Migration folks in Argentina want some training in the tool and some migration work to be done onsite as well.

The trip will be challenging, firstly because of the language problem and secondly because of the fact that I have only done about 4 migrations till now and an not very well equipped to provide a migration training.

Inspite of the challenges, a one month trip to the south american continent is too good to resist. I discussed with the Mrs and she was fine with it. She will invite her parents to come stay with her while I am gone. When Mr. C asked me if I was interested, I replied that I was in fact willing to do the trip. Thankfully Mr. Ch did not raise any objections this time around.

I really need to complete the OCP examination the coming week. I have been postponing the exam for 2 months now and I need to complete it asap. Once I am done with the OCP, I can concentrate on learning some spanish which will help me survive in Argentina.

We have a team outing the coming week. I also need to attend the Mrs.’s cousing wedding for which I might lose 2 days.

Visited the doctor this week for a follow up checkup. He checked and told me that everything looked just fine. I should be able to participate in all activities after another week. Now that everything is fine on the physical front, I can focus on other things with some peace of mind.

 

SUNDAY 111

Time: 22:40
Place: Home

Late sunday post this one. My laptop got locked out so I am writing this post on the Mrs. laptop.

Challenging week. The pain has reduced gradually over the week. I can now walk around without any discomfort. Planning to start going to the gym from tomorrow.

We have decided to buy a scooter. I will wait until the next weekend and buy the bike using my credit card after this months bill is generated. This will give me about 2 months to pay the bill. I asked the Mrs to pay the bill using installments.

Will have a lot of travelling to do over the next couple of weeks. Mr. Puri’s marriage is on Thursday in Kurnool. Next week is the Mrs’s cousins marriage. 

I haven’t yet spoken to Mr. Ch regarding the leave that I will need. Not sure how I will manage.

No fights with the Mrs this week though I did make her cry today. No fault of mine!! I hope we are getting better at this marriage thing