To do or not to do.

“Things almost always never turn out the way you expect them to”

A quote by your’s truly. It’s something I repeat to myself at least once everyday these days. While the wisdom behind the words have held me in good stead over the years, I wonder if this line of thinking makes me a cynic.

We dream and we day dream. We fantasize about a future yet to come and convince ourselves it will be very different from the past. Is it any good though?  I know deep down that the future will not be the way I expect it to be. So I think it’s good that I stop myself from fantasizing.

What kind of life will it be when one does not hope and dream? Specially for someone like me whose mental state is shaky at best, am I protecting myself from disappointment? If I had to describe myself as one among the following, what would I choose?

Optimistic, Practical, Pessimistic, Cynic.

** Thinking for 5 mins **

I don’t have an answer. I would like to think that I am a practical person but I am not. I am not pessimistic either. I am definitely not a cynic all the time. I think my outlook depends upon the context.

Take Bala’s marriage for example. It makes me feel uneasy. The couple obviously love each other so I should think that they will do fine. The girl’s volatility and impulsiveness makes me wonder how the couple will handle difficult times. Why can’t I just hope for the best? Why can’t I look at their happiness now and think that it will last?

My quest to get married is throwing some interesting challenges my way. There have been 2 cases that I have considered seriously. Both have been a thought experiment for me. I would be the first to admit that nobody can be perfect. I would give every person I meet generous leeway. Both the cases have pushed me to think about what would be reasonable. In Ms. Telugu Medium’s case, it was a combination of the girl’s and her parents shortcomings that made me decide I did not want them. In Ms. Swati’s case however, from the data that I have so far, I am happy about the girl. The deal with the family is bad though.

Dad is very generous in his evaluations of people. Even he sounded unenthusiastic about this family. He might reason it by saying he needs to get the money first, but I know him well enough to know what is going on in his mind. He is not convinced. And if he is not convinced, I will definitely not be convinced. But it the girl turns out to be very good, can I compromise about the family?

It wont be a small deal. A carefree father is a burden to his child and this father will be a burden as long as he lives. I will have to bear some amount of responsibility. It’s not like I’m not up for it though. If Swati is worth it, I will handle all the shit that I can. And that’s the deal. I don’t know if Swati is worth it. I may not know if I speak to her. I may not even know an year into marriage, in case I marry her.

Situations like these call for a leap of faith. These are also moments when I consider the people who find love lucky. They know more or less what they are getting into.

What should I do?  Should I push and make it happen? Will Swati end up in my negative portfolio? I don’t know.

I have an idea. One can get a good estimate of a person when you push them into doing things they don’t like. So that’s what I am going to do. I will ask dad to tell Janardhan uncle that I want to meet the girl alone. If they agree, let’s see what happens. If they don’t, so be it. Ms. Swati will not get to be Mrs. Ravula














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