SUNDAY 61

Time: 9:02
Place: 005, Devi Residency
Week 13

This week I realized that my mental condition depends on how I feel physically on any given day. I had worked both days of the weekend and by Wednesday, I started getting tired. Added to that the frustration of not being able to figure out how to approach the OCA exam. I worked from home on Thursday, took an off on friday and worked a little yesterday. I am in good spirits today.

Heard some worrying news yesterday. Ms. N had a surgery on friday to remove a cist in her pelvis. The condition that lead to the cist is because of a malfunction in the normal menstrual cycle. The condition sometimes leads to sterility in women. The doctor told my bro that its better to have kids early given this condition worsens as one grows older. Stopping the menstrual cycle using birth control pills is another option. Side effects of using birth control over a long period need to be considered.

It must be hard for the woman. She is uncomfortable talking about it so I haven’t spoken to her in a week. For someone who loves kids so much, talk of sterility must be very difficult to comprehend and accept. I hope it doesn’t get serious and affect them much.

I am beginning to understand that it wrong to hope for good days. There are no good and bad days. One needs to see the positive in any situation and try to feel good about their day. Reality sucks and one must learn to deal with it if one has to remain sane.

I spent a lot of time this week hovering between tiredness, frustration and depression. In the end of the day, I am not able to rationalize why I feel the way I do. What is going so wrong after all. What is it I want and how will getting what I want improve my life. I do not know if this is a phase and if it is, I don’t know how long it will last.

I had a recurring thought this week. I need some anchor to my life. Something that I look forward to. I hate feeling stagnated. While I have always felt this way, I have managed to work around it by being driven and by focusing on improving myself. These days, I am not able to sustain that kind of drive. I am getting tired too soon and am getting frustrated. I cannot handle multiple projects at the same time right now. I can only focus on one or two.

Fortunately, I have something going for me. Since I started controlling my diet, I have seen the results in the gym. I have started to lose weight and am feeling better about my body these days. Controlling the diet has been hard though. The high rep period is complete so starting tomorrow, I will be doing the low rep workouts in the gym for the next 4 weeks. I will need to focus hard and be careful. I almost had an accident the other day in the gym while doing the bench press. Shouldn’t repeat such stupid mistakes.

I have decided to postpone the OCA exam to sometime next month. I need to get a grip on this “phase” of mine. I will not waste time. I will do random things that interest me at any given moment.

My new year resolution lasted 2 weeks.

Week 13 was a damp squib

 

 

 

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