Lackey Wars Part 1: Bilbo has a visitor!

This piece of work is a tribute to all the gamers and geeks out there.

Disclaimer: This is the work of a jobless geek trying to get his creative juices flowing. It gets nasty in a few places. This is not for the week hearted. That said.. enjoy.


A tired looking warrior in red clothes slowly trudged up to Bilbo’s door. He paused at the door, telling himself that he had to go through the plan and that the survival of his clan depended on him. He took some time to compose himself, then took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Knock. Knock.

‘I’m coming’ came a voice from inside the burrow, or whatever the place was called. Hobbits like to live in cramped places, thought the Lycan. The door popped open and a short stubby hairy guy appeared at the door.

‘Mr. Bilbo Baggins?’ asked the creature on the porch.

‘Yes’ said the hobbit. ‘Who or what are you?’

‘My name is Banehallow and I am a Lycanthrope’ said the beast.

‘What do you want from me?’ asked Bilbo, a little afraid now as Bilbo had never heard of a Lycan before and Hobbits tend to be scared of things they don’t know about.

‘I need your help and I have come a long way looking for you’ said Mr. Bane. ‘Can I come in?’

‘Okay’ said Bilbo and reluctantly let the Lycan into his burrow.

‘So what can I help you with?’ asked the hobbit once  Banehallow was inside the room.

‘There is something I need you to do. But before I come to that, there is a story that I’d like to tell you” came the Lycan’s reply.

Now Hobbits love a good story, which you undoubtedly know if you have read “The Lord of The Rings”, assuming of course that you had the patience to read the book. If you haven’t, you can just take it from me. (Here I am assuming that you have at least seen the movies.. if not, this story isn’t for you.)

‘Alright.’ said Bilbo, now excited at the prospect of getting to hear a story of faraway lands and alien creatures, because to Bilbo, this creature definitely looked alien. ‘ I’ll go ahead and make some tea’ he added.

With that Mr. Banehallow launched into his story. It went something like this:

‘A long long time into the future in a world that actually exists, there will come to exist a race who will call themselves humans. They are a race, who during the process of evolution will start getting bored of life and in order to kill their boredom write books to read and create computer games to play with. You and I are just characters in these books and games that the humans will come to create.’

Bilbo looked at the Lycan skeptically at this but he did not interrupt him. The Lycan carried on.

‘The humans will create us characters and we will ease their boredom for a while but they will soon move on to other things, like Harry Potter books or Age Of Empires’ game and will cease to take interest in us. We will then be left with only each other and nothing to do. So we started socializing and hanging out to pass time while we for the next human to come along and read about our fictional adventures or play games with us.’

‘ My group are characters from a game called Dota and all of us are of different species although there are some of us who cannot technically be categorized as a species. Like minded people from our group joined together to form clans under the leadership of the Lich King. Skeleton king also wanted to be our ruler but the idea of a skeleton with lame powers ruling over us didn’t appeal to us. So we banished the skeleton king. We have come to form a lot of clans but there are 8 important clans that are of interest to us in this story. I belong to the “Imba Runners” clan.

Some time ago, some of us had assembled to celebrate Pudge’s birthday. Now Pudge lives in a shabby cottage that reeks of rotten meat so we decided to hold the party in Axe’s Mansion instead. Every clan was expected to send one person to represent them at the party.

Lina and Storm were the first to arrive at the party.Lina is from the “Wily Bitches” clan and Storm was representing the “Blue Bangers” clan. When they entered the mansion, Axe welcomed them and offered them booze. The next to arrive were Naix from the “Brown Babus” clan and Meepo from the “Puny Fuckers”. Pudge and I we the next came next. A little behind us came the “Brothers” and  Tinker was the last to join the party. Tinker is a member of the “Useless Idiot’s” clan and Pudge does not belong to any clan as he reeks of decay and anyone in close proximity to Pudge would start losing HP. Some of Axe’s slaves were also present at the party. His favorite slave is Smeagol whom he sodomizes every night in his bedroom.

The party started out with Pudge cutting the cake which was of course made of his favorite item: Fresh Meat. Lina being vegetarian excused herself while the rest of the gang chomped up the cake in record time. After the cake was dealt with, the booze started to flow and the guys decided to not hold back. Lina got a little too drunk and ripped off her clothes. Tinker got a little excited too and took off his clothes and started fucking Lina  in the middle of the room while the rest of the guys started cheering them on.

Axe meanwhile was having Smeagol bring up barrels of booze from his warehouse. Pudge too tried to have some booze but it kept seeping out of his open stomach so he stopped drinking and started hooking Meepo for fun instead. Halfway into the party, Smeagol slipped off to fetch another barrel of booze but this time, Naix silently followed him. Meanwhile, the bothers had joined Pudge and had started to play with Meepo. Storm excused himself to go to the bathroom and didn’t return.

After a while, the ale started drying up and Smeagol was nowhere to be seen so Axe set off top search for Smeagol. He went to the back of his mansion and approached the warehouse but paused near the door when he heard a strange sound coming from inside the warehouse. Axe thrust aside the door and ran inside, only to be shocked at what he saw there. Smeagol and Naix were in a frenzy and were sucking each others dick off. Axe wa enraged. He pounced on Naix and caught him by the neck. He then dragged Naix from the warehouse to the room where the party was going on.

Lina meanwhile had set off in search off Storm who had not returned for a while. She searched everywhere but could not find Storm. When she did discover Storm, he was lying in a pool of his own piss, a bullet through his head. Lina broke down when she saw Storm’s dead body. Rage followed her grief and she charged into the house screaming at the top of her voice.

Axe dragged Naix into the house and threw him on the floor, shouting “This insolent beast dared to mess with my favorite slave. I will kill him.” He tried to attack Naix but I stopped and and tried to calm him down. Lina chose that moment to come charging into the room and attacked Axe accusing him of having Storm assassinated. In the confusion that ensued, Naix managed to slip off and escape from the mansion.

Axe lost his mind when Naix escaped from the mansion and declared war on the “Brown Babus”. Lina in her grief for her beloved Storm declared war on the “Red Basterds”. The brothers being neutral left the mansion but the rest of us have got ourselves entangled in a bloody war that will put an end to our clan.’

Bilbo was amazed at the Lycan’s story and could not make up his mind if he was excited or afraid. He simply stared at the Lycan.

‘I need your help in this war’ finished the Lycan.


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